New Life
by Topsy
Summary: Carol has relationship problems...
1. New Life

Please title this page. (Page 1)

-ooooo-ooooo- 

May 23 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

To make a long story short, Carol and Shep never broke up when they did on the show. Shep eventually became abusive towards Carol (and yes, I understand that I may write Carol a little off in this story, it's purposeful), and this story is going to be about that and all that stuff! :) I don't want to spoil anything, so read on soldier...... 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol whimpered as Shep backhanded her across her stomach. Her very swollen stomach. Carol was nine months pregnant with Shep's baby and ever since he had found out, he had began to abuse her, hurting her whenever he felt like it. Somehow Carol had managed to carry the child to full term even through all the trauma Shep had put her body through. 

Carol stumbled back a little bit, ramming her lower back into the table. She bit back a yelp as a pain shot straight through her back, down her legs, and into her feet. She was surprised her water didn't break at that very flash of pain. 

"Dammit, Carol, when are you going to learn?" Shep asked. Carol had no idea what he was talking about. All she had done was ask him how work was. She backed away from the table and moved toward the sink to where she had been doing dishes. She turned her stomach away from him, trying to keep her child safe in her womb. If he was going to hit her around, she wanted him to hit her and not somewhere that the baby could be injured. She wouldn't be surprised if this baby came out deformed from his fists. 

"I'm sorry, Shep. I didn't...mean to." Carol said. She knew there was no use saying she didn't know what he was talking about. That just angered him more. And she hadn't meant to make him angry in the first place. That was the horrible thing about his bouts of anger. She had no idea what brought them on, so she was always treading hot water with him. He sighed and glared at her before stalking to the refrigerator. She let out an inaudible sigh. He was done. 

"What's for dinner?" He asked. 

"I was baking some chicken." She said. He nodded, satisfied. 

"How much longer?" He asked, smelling the air. He could detect the hint of chicken swirling about. 

"Probably 10 more minutes." She said. 

"Good." He said and turned, heading out of the kitchen and into the living room. She watched as he sat in his favorite chair and turned the TV on to a loud hockey game. She slumped against the counter briefly and sighed, giving herself one moment to recuperate. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

The next morning Carol waddled into the ER for work. Everyone had tried to convince her to stop working because she was growing larger everyday and she was due any day now. But she had said she wanted to work because she would be bored at home. No one knew that the real reason was she didn't want to be home because of Shep. She was afraid she would go into labor at home and Shep wouldn't help her. She could only hope Shep would change when he saw their child. And she also knew her hopes were useless. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol sighed and put her key into the lock of her house and pushed her way in. A lamp was on in the living room and she expected Shep to be sitting in his favorite chair, but when she looked into the living room she just stared. Shep was not in his chair, but things were missing. Not really valuable things, but when she thought about it, Shep's things were gone. Her brows curved together in puzzlement as she slipped out of her shoes and left her keys on the table. She went from room and room and noticed that all of his sentimental things were missing. She pushed her way into the bedroom, thoroughly confused by now. None of his clothes were on the floor, like usual. She walked into their bathroom and saw that all of his things were gone. What the hell was going on? She wondered. 

Carol made her way into the bedroom and opened up her closest. All of Ron's clothes were missing and her suitcase that had been on the shelf was gone. She sat down on the bed and covered her open mouth with a shaky hand. He had fled. He was gone, she knew. For good, she thought. She wasn't sure whether to jump for joy or cry in desperation. She hadn't loved him but she had stayed with him because of his child. But she had depended on him to be there with her. And apparently she was going to be a single mother to her child now. She stared incredulously at her open and half empty closet. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol stood at the admit desk, her head buried in her arms. Doug walked up to the desk and stared at her briefly before touching her arm. She flinched. 

"Carol?" He asked. She relaxed when she heard his voice and she looked up at him. 

"Doug." She murmured. 

"Are you okay? You look exhausted." He said. She shrugged. "You should go home." 

"No, Doug, I'm okay." She said, straightening her posture in the chair she was resting in. 

"You're pregnant and tired. You shouldn't be working anyway. Go home." He said. 

"I've just been doing paperwork for the past 2 weeks, Doug. I'm fine." She said, trying to reassure him. She didn't want to go home and either find that Shep was back or face the empty house. 

"Carol, you're due to have this child any day now. You're asleep at the desk. You need to go home and get some rest. I'll tell Kerry you went home." He said. She sighed. 

"He's gone." She said. Doug's brows lifted. 

"Who is gone where?" He asked. She sighed and looked down, studying the collar of Doug's scrub top. 

"Shep. He left." Carol said. Doug tilted his head and struggled to understand. He pulled up another chair that was sitting at the admit desk and he took her hand in his. 

"Where did he go?" Doug asked. Carol sighed. 

"I don't know. I came home last night from work, he had the day off, and all of his stuff was gone. He took all his clothes, all his other personal items. He took my suitcase and the car. Well, it's his car. But it was all gone. No note, no phone call, no nothing." Carol said. 

"What? Why the hell did he do that?" Doug asked, becoming angered. Carol sighed. 

"Because he didn't want this baby." She said. 

"What?" Doug asked. Carol sighed. 

"Ever since I told him that I was pregnant, he's been pulling away from me." She sighed. "I don't think he ever really got over Raoul." She paused. "I don't know why I stayed with him in the first place, but now...He's gone." She said. 

"Oh Carol." Doug said. She smiled weakly. 

"I'll be okay." She said. 

"You won't have to do this alone, okay? You've got everyone here at work to help you. I'll help you as much as I can. I'm a pediatrician, remember?" He smiled crookedly at her. She smiled. 

"Thanks Doug." She said. He nodded. 

"Anytime. Why don't you go home. Rest a little." He suggested. She shook her head and glanced down at their joined hands. 

"I can't go home, Doug. Not to that empty house." She said. He smiled his understanding. His nights and days were lonely also. He stood and gently pulled her to her feet. 

"C'mon then. You're going to go lay down in the lounge." He said. She smiled grimly. 

"You're too good to me." She said. He chuckled and began massaging her shoulders as she walked to the lounge. 

"You're tired and pregnant and have no one to pamper you. Now walk." He said. 

"I can't when you do that." She said and moaned slightly. He laughed and pushed her towards the lounge. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Two weeks passed by Carol's due date. She was getting nervous and excited with everyday new day. Wondering if that was the day the baby would come. 

Carol stood from her chair at the admit desk and walked towards a pile of charts. Doug glanced at her. 

"I could have gotten that for you." He said. She sighed. 

"I feel like a bump on a log. I needed to get up." She said. He shook his head. "I'm two weeks over my due date, if I go into labor now, I'll be fi - Whoa." She interrupted her own sentence. Doug stared at her as she held onto the edge of the counter. 

"What?" He asked. 

"My water just broke." She said. 

"Your water just broke." He repeated and she looked at him, exasperated. 

"Yes, Doug, my water just broke." He came around the desk and grabbed a spare wheelchair. 

"Sit." He ordered. 

"Doug, I don't need that. I can walk." She said. 

"Don't argue with me. Sit." He said. She sighed and sat and kept it to herself that it was a relief for her ankles. "Have you been having contractions? Any pain?" He asked as he pushed her towards the elevators. She shook her head. 

"Not really. I'd have little bouts of pain, but they didn't really hurt very much and they were far apart. And since I was two weeks over, I figured that it was normal and didn't say...or do anything." She said as an elevator opened. He pushed in. 

"Are you ready to be a Mom?" He asked and smiled down at her. She glanced up at him and her lips turned up at the corners. 

"I doubt it." She said and he chuckled. "Oh God." She said. 

"What, what is it?" He asked. 

"Pain." She grit her teeth. He bent over her, taking her right hand into his so she could squeeze and he placed his left hand on her stomach. She placed her left hand over top of his and gripped the back of his hands. His head was right beside hers. 

"Breath deep." He murmured into her ear, waiting for the worst to pass. She let her cheek fall against his and she closed her eyes. 

"No more." She said. He chuckled. "I can't do it anymore." She said. 

"Yes, you can. And you will." He said. She sighed and lifted her head away from his just as the elevator door opened. He straightened and pushed her out into the hall. He pushed her along until they came upon the main desk. 

"I have a nurse in labor." Doug said, smiling at the woman behind the desk. She smiled and looked down at Carol. 

"Carol. It's about time, don't you think?" The woman asked. Carol smiled. 

"I'd say so, Morgan." Carol said. 

"You know each other." Doug stated. Morgan laughed slightly and Carol grinned up at him. 

"Many times I came up here in the middle of a work day for a check-up. Morgan and I got to know each other." Carol said. 

"Ah." He said, nodding his head in understanding. Morgan came around the desk. 

"I'll take you to a room and alert MacLucas." Morgan said. 

"Doug, you can go back down. I'll call you first with the news." Carol said, smiling up at him. He let go of her wheelchair and smiled back at her. He tugged on one of her curls. 

"You'll do great, Carol." He said and turned back towards the elevator. Morgan took the wheelchair handles into her hand and began pushing Carol. She bent over Carol and whispered in her ear. 

"It should be illegal to be that gorgeous." She said. Carol laughed. 

"You don't have to tell me twice." She thought with some regret. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol lay back on a gurney in the delivery room. She had been huffing and puffing through hours of labor pains. Sweat was rolling off of her and her face was scrunched up in pain. She was so focused on the pain that she didn't hear Dr. MacLucas talking. 

"She's not dilating." Dr. MacLucas said to one of the nurses. One of her students was listening to every word intently. "She's been at this for over 3 hours. The contractions are frequent. This baby is not coming out vaginally." 

"Cesarean section." Her student stated. 

"Mm hmm." MacLucas said. Carol fell back onto the bed, her most recent contraction having passed. 

"What's going on?" Carol asked. She had seen the tail end of the conversation but she hadn't heard what was being said. 

"The baby's two weeks overdue. And you're not dilating." Dr. MacLucas said. "I'd assume the child is too large and cannot fit through the birth canal." 

"I have to have a c-section?" Carol asked, propping herself up on her elbows in a new found bout of energy. 

"I'm afraid so." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol sighed and leaned back on the bed. She nodded. 

"Okay. Whatever it takes. I'm prepared." She said. 

"We need a pediatrician in here." Dr. MacLucas said. 

"Get Ross!" Carol said quickly, struggling to push herself up. 

"From the ER?" Dr. MacLucas asked. Carol nodded. 

"Please. I want him." She said. Dr. MacLucas nodded. 

"Okay. Page Dr. Ross. Tell him it's an emergency c-section on Nurse Hathaway." Dr. MacLucas said. Carol nodded and groaned as another contraction hit. Morgan, who had been with her through most of the delivery, took her hand and let her squeeze. 

ooooo 

Down in the ER, Doug was standing at the admit desk, wondering how Carol was doing. It had only been about 3 and a half hours since her water broke and some deliveries could take long hours, but he was getting anxious. He sighed when his pager beeped. It was the OB floor. His heart skipped a beat before he realized they probably just needed him to assist with a newborn or something. He picked up the phone and dialed the number that showed on his pager. 

"This is Dr. Ross, you just paged me." He said. 

"Dr. Ross, Nurse Hathaway is having a emergency cesarean section and she asked for you to be the pediatrician." 

"I'll be right up!" Doug said and hung the phone up. "Mark, I'm going up to OB." He said and turned running for the stairs. He didn't have enough time for the elevator, so he practically flew his way up the four flights up stairs. 

"Where's Hathaway?" He asked, coming up to the desk. Another nurse was standing there and she gazed up at him. 

"Delivery Room Four." She said. He turned and jogged down the hall, quickly coming upon the room. He pushed his way in and saw Carol moaning her way through another contraction. 

"What's going on?" He asked as a nurse began to gown him up. Carol's eyes flew open at his voice. 

"Doug!" She exclaimed. He came up to her and took her hand into his own. 

"We have to do an emergency cesarean section." Dr. MacLucas said. 

"Why?" Doug asked. 

"The baby is too large. She's not dilating." Dr. MacLucas said. Doug nodded. He was thinking more along the lines of a friend than he was a doctor. He slipped his hand out of Carol's hand and began getting ready for the delivery. When he was finished, he came back to Carol and took her hand. She now had a face mask on, giving her drugs to help the pain. Carol tried to smile at him. 

"What're they doing?" She asked. He gazed over the sheet that was blocking Carol's view from her stomach. 

"They are just...now making the first incision." Doug said. His stomach rolled at the bruises he saw on her stomach. There were so many. He was going to have to question her about that later. She nodded at his reply and gazed up at him. 

"Thank you for coming." She said. He grinned and bent down, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead. 

"You're welcome." He said and watched over stomach as the doctor's cut through the layers of body tissue. "I see the baby." He said. Carol looked up at him. 

"What is it?" She asked. 

"I don't know yet....I think....It's a girl!" He exclaimed. "Yup, definitely." He said. The baby began to squall as she was taken from the womb. 

"A girl?" Carol asked. He nodded and smiled. 

"She's beautiful." He said as the baby was passed from one side of the sheet to the other and laid on Carol's side. 

"Look at her hair!" Carol exclaimed as she gazed at her squealing daughter. The little girl had thick black hair. Carol began crying softly as she gazed down at her daughter. "She's beautiful." 

"What's her name?" Doug asked. Carol looked up at him. 

"Sarah. After your mother." Carol said. Doug smiled warmly. 

"Why?" He asked. 

"You've been wonderful to me, Doug." Carol smiled up at him and looked down at her daughter. "Hello Sarah Jo." She said and kissed her daughter's wet head. Doug smiled and looked down at the two of them lying on the gurney and he realized his world suddenly had changed. 

"I'm going to have to take her now, okay Carol?" He asked as a nurse clipped the umbilical cord. She nodded. 

"Doug?" 

"Hmm?" He asked as he picked Sarah up into his arms, wrapping her in the soft blanket he had gotten. 

"Stay with her." Carol said. 

"Count on it." Doug said and smiled at her as she took Sarah to the other side of the room. He smiled down at the whimpering child. 

"You're beautiful, Sarah. Absolutely beautiful." He said as he lay her down in the tiny portable crib. 

ooooo 

An hour or so later, Doug had checked once again on Carol, assured her that Sarah was fine and she would soon be coming to Carol's room, before he headed down to the ER. Doug walked up to the admit desk and Kerry immediately spotted him. 

"How's Carol?" She asked. All the nurses at the desk plus Mark and Carter looked up quickly. He chuckled. 

"She's doing great. Sarah Jo Hathaway was born at 9 pounds, 12 ounces at 5:59 p.m." He said, a huge smile on his face. "Carol underwent an emergency c-section because she wasn't dilating and Sarah was being stubborn, so I was up there with her to take care of the baby after delivery. Anyway, Sarah is amazing and has beautiful thick black hair just like her mother." Doug said. Mark couldn't help but note that his best friend was looking awfully like a proud papa. 

"Tell Carol congratulations for me." Carter said, smiling. Doug chuckled. 

"Will do." He said. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

"Doug, I really want to thank you for everything you've done for us." Carol said. She had just finished strapping Sarah into the carseat for her first car ride from the hospital to Carol's home. Doug smiled at her. 

"Carol, we've been over this. You know I don't mind at all." He said. She sighed. 

"I know. But still, thank you." 

"Don't thank me. In this case, if I wouldn't have been able to drive you home, I would have had someone else do it. You're not taking Sarah on the El." He said. She grinned at home. 

"Okay Dad." She teased. He chuckled and stared out the window. If only, they both thought. 

ooooo 

"Carol?" Doug asked. He had helped her get the baby settle and right now Carol was holding Sarah in her arms. 

"Hmm?" Carol asked, looking up from the baby and into Doug's eyes. 

"I need to talk to you." He said. She nodded. 

"Okay." She agreed. He smiled. 

"Can I see Sarah?" He asked. She smiled and nodded and handed the baby off to him. He grinned as he held her gently against his chest. 

"She's so beautiful. All that hair." Doug said, shaking his head. "It's like the ninth wonder of the world." He said. Carol laughed. 

"What's the eighth?" She asked. 

"Your hair." He said and grinned. She laughed again. 

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" She asked, sitting down on the couch. He sat beside her, gazing down at Sarah. He sighed and turned, looking up at Carol. 

"I was there..For the delivery and all." Doug said. Carol nodded. 

"Yes, Doug. You were." She smiled. His eyes looked troubled, she thought. He hesitated, so she sighed. "Doug, what is it?" Carol asked, her voice telling him that she knew he had something important on his mind. 

"I saw your stomach." He said. Her brows drew together and her lips moved as if to form a word, but she froze. Oh God, he saw her stomach. 

"Uh huh." She managed to get out and tried to act puzzled. But he had caught that brief glimpse of fear. He knew she was going to make this difficult for him. 

"Do you want to explain all those bruises on your stomach?" He asked. She bent her head, her curls spilling in front of her face. He reached around, touching her chin and turning her head toward his. "Care?" He asked. She shook her head. 

"It's nothing really...I.." She couldn't think of a good excuse. She couldn't think of any excuse. 

"Did Shep hurt you?" He asked. Tears filled her eyes but she fought them, holding them in. Doug realized the war she was fighting with herself. "Don't move. I'm going to put Sarah in her crib." He got up slowly and walked as quickly as he could to Carol's room without disturbing Sarah. He placed her down in the crib and came back out into the living room. He sat on the couch beside Carol and faced her, taking her hands into his. "Tell me what happened." Doug said. Carol shook her head. 

"I can't." She said. He sighed and reached his hand around the cupped the back of her neck. 

"C'mere." He said and pulled her to him. She buried her face into his neck and wrapped her arms around his torso as she let silent tears fall. He sighed gruffly and fisted his hand in her hair, holding her in place as he felt the hot tears hit his shirt. With his other hand he rubbed her back, lulling her gently. 

Nearly fifteen minutes later, Carol was still in his arms but she wasn't crying any longer. She was resting against him, listening to his breathing and feeling the beat of his heart against her chest. Finally, she pulled away from him. 

"I'm sorry." She said. He smiled weakly, but warmly. 

"Don't be." He said. Carol smiled and looked down, her fingers coming together to fidget. She was still resting close to Doug, but she wasn't up against him. 

"He was upset a lot after Raoul died. He was depressed and sad and eventually it turned to anger. When he found out I was pregnant, he, uh, he started to hit me around sometimes. Never enough to do much damage. I mean, no one could tell at work because he hit me only where my clothes covered it up. When I began to show my pregnancy, he began to hit my stomach. He didn't want the baby, I knew. He was trying to hurt the baby, hurt me. But I didn't leave him because I was scared he would really hurt me than. And I felt like my baby needed a Daddy." She paused and sighed. Doug hung his head. He knew very well what it was like to live a life like that. 

"Carol, you shouldn't have had to take that." He said. She glanced up at him. "When I was younger my father beat me and my mother a lot." Carol looked at him with interest. She had known his father had left when Doug was about 14 and they hadn't seen or heard from each other since, but she had never known details. "Sometimes my Dad was alright. He had his moments. But most of the time he was a complete and utter asshole. When I got older, I always tried to stop him from hurting my Mom, but I usually succeeded in breaking a few bones that way." Doug sighed gruffly. "But I loved the bastard. In a sense, I still do." He sighed. "I understand if you loved Shep, but you shouldn't have had to deal with that, just to give your baby a father. I think for the most part, my Mom and I would have been better off if my Dad was never around, instead of having him leave when I was 14." Carol shook her head. 

"No, Doug. The difference is, I never loved Shep. Never. I couldn't." She said. Doug held back a sigh. She didn't realize what a relief that was for him to hear. He reached out and touched her face. 

"In a sense I was like my father. I never raised a hand to a woman, but other than that I was practically his replica. I know I never laid a hand to you, Carol, but I hurt you emotionally. I'm sorry for that." He said. She smiled slightly and touched a hand to his cheek. 

"It's okay, Doug. You don't have to explain things to me." She said. He sighed and nodded his head. 

"Yes, I do." He said. "I was scared." He murmured. "When I first saw you when I came to the ER I was....speechless. There you were in those beautiful peach scrubs," He joked as she smiled, "and I was entranced by you. Then when I came to your house for that first date and we ended up on the kitchen floor," Carol's mouth turned up in a smile even as she blushed slightly, "I was lost in you." He said. She looked down, studying the stitches on the hem of his shirt, unable to look him directly in the eye. "You were perfect." He sighed and reached out, taking one of her hands into his own. "And when we started dating, I flipped out. You were different from everyone else I ever dated." He said. "So I spoiled it for us, for you because I thought you deserved better. That's no excuse for what I did to you, but it's the reason." He said and reached up with his free hand, tilting her chin up so she met his eye. "I'm sorry." He said. 

"Doug.....I..." She stopped. 

"What?" He asked, sensing that she had something to say. 

"Did you ever...When we were.." She stopped. He smiled and brushed his thumb across her cheek. 

"What is it?" He asked. 

"Did you love me?" She asked. She remembered the way she had fallen head over heels in love with him. And every time she was with him, her heart ached with joy. Then he had broken it, but she had went on, loving him in secret, through Tag, through Shep, through everything. And she still loved him. She needed this small consolation. He smiled seriously at her question and cupped her cheek in his hand. 

"Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much it hurts when you aren't with them? And it hurts when you are with them because it's like you can't believe they are there, with you?" He asked. She gazed into his chocolatey eyes and nodded. 

"I do know." She said. He nodded. 

"So do I. Because that's the way I felt about you. The way I feel about you." He said. She smiled then, her eyes wet with tears. Her smile sent fireworks shooting through his system. Their lips met tentatively and emotionally, their bodies becoming one. She sighed and yielded her mouth to him as he ran his hands down her side, sending little waves of shock shooting throughout her. It had been so long since she had felt those hands and that mouth on her. She melted into his body and was about to be lost in the fog when she remembered why he was there with her, on the couch. She was jolted back into reality and she pulled away from him abruptly. Her hands left his and her body scooted further away from him on the couch. 

"Carol?" He asked, surprised. His body ached for her touch. "What's wrong?" He asked. She sighed and her bottom lip trembled, but she bit it, holding it still. And she could taste his kiss. 

"I forgot." She said. 

"You forgot what?" He asked. She sighed and looked up, into his eyes. Watery hazel eyes met confused brown eyes. 

"Sarah." She murmured. He nodded. 

"Okay, what about her?" He asked. She sighed and wiped at a tear that slid down her cheek. 

"It's not just me anymore, Doug. It's Sarah and I. No longer am I just one person, I am two. If you are going to sit here and tell me that you....That you love me," She whispered, "You have to remember my daughter. We come as a packaged deal." She said. He paused and stared at her. 

"That's what you're worried about?" He asked. She nodded and looked at him. 

"I have a little girl now, Doug. I'm a mother. I have to think about my baby before anything else." She said. He smiled and reached out to her. 

"You don't think I've thought about that?" He asked. She stayed silent, staring at him. "Ever since you became pregnant I've thought about it. I hoped you and Shep wouldn't stay together, only because I wanted you. And now that I've found out that Shep was abusing you, I am all the more glad that you and Sarah got out of it." He pulled her closer to him, taking her shoulders into his hands. He smiled sweetly and gazed at her. 

"I love you. Sarah was a part of you for nine months. I was there when she was born and all that combined was like a realization for me. I remember looking down at you after she was born and thinking that my life had suddenly changed." He said. "And I didn't realize why I thought that until now. I love you. She's your daughter. I know you are a packaged deal. And if you haven't already figured it out, I adore her. She's a part of you and that's reason enough to love her." Carol began to cry again. He smiled and wiped her tears away. "Don't cry." He said, biting his lip nervously. He wasn't sure if she was crying because she was happy or if she was upset because he was spilling his feelings in such a way. Suddenly Carol wrapped her arms around him tightly and pushed her face into his neck. 

"Why do you have to be so amazing?" She asked, squeezing him tightly to her. He chuckled and wrapped his arms gently around her. He still wasn't sure if he would hurt her because of the operation or not. 

"You bring out the best in me." He said. She sighed and lifted her head. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks, but she was smiling. 

"I haven't really said it yet." She smiled wider. "I love you." She said. He chuckled happily and bent his neck, kissing her again. His whole world was finally coming to a certain place. A place where he wanted to be. For the rest of his life. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 


	2. Bring Her Back

Please title this page. (Page 2)

-ooooo-ooooo- 

May 28-June 21, 01 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Shep slipped into the hospital, keeping his head down and his hands in his pocket. He made his way to the elevators and slipped into one, thankful that it was empty. It hadn't been hard to find out that Carol had given birth to his daughter and named her Sarah. And it hadn't been difficult to find out that she was fucking that bastard, Doug Ross. She would pay for that, he thought with a sneer as the elevator doors opened. He walked into the hall and headed towards the nursery. 

Shep walked quietly into the nursery, gazing around at all the little children playing with toys on the floor. A young woman came up to him and smiled. 

"Hello, may I help you?" She asked. He smiled warmly. 

"Yes. I'm here to pick up my daughter, Sarah Hathaway." He said. She nodded. 

"Aw, she's a beautiful baby. She's over here in the playpen." The brunette replied, leading him to the playpen. He grinned in delight as he looked down at his daughter, sleeping peacefully. He had seen her before, spying on Carol from the El tracks, but he had never seen her up close. He was just thankful that the girl knew which one Sarah was, because he doubted he would have been able to pick her out. Shep bent down and gently picked up his sleeping five-month-old daughter. He smiled and looked up at the young woman. 

"Thank you." He said. 

"You're welcome." She replied, smiling warmly before she turned and headed back towards the other children. He smiled and walked right out of the nursery and back out the way he came. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol sighed and pushed a hand through her hair. She was so tired and all she wanted was to get her baby and head home. She walked into the nursery and looked around. The only adult there was a young woman, with brown shoulder length hair. Carol remembered finally that she was new. 

"Excuse me." Carol called out. The young brunette turned, a ready smile on her face. But when she saw Carol her mouth turned down a bit. 

"Nurse Hathaway. What are you going here?" Carol's brows drew together in surprise. 

"I'm here to pick Sarah up." Carol said. 

"She's not here." The young woman said, who Carol suddenly remembered was named Mary. 

"What do you mean she's not here?" Carol asked, her heart beginning to race in her chest. 

"Sarah's father came in to pick her up." Mary said, coming a few feet towards Carol. Carol immediately paled. 

"Oh dear God." Doug had not picked her up. Carol had just said good night to him down in the ER because he was working the night shift. 

"What?" Mary asked, suddenly panicking. 

"What did he look like?" Carol asked, her voice shrill. 

"He was probably 6'1", sandy brown hair, somewhat muscular." 

"Did he say his name?" Carol asked. 

"No. Nurse Hathaway, what's going on?" She asked. 

"Did he say where he was taking her? How long ago was this?" Carol asked. 

"It was about two hours ago and he never said where he was going." Mary said. Carol brought a shaky hand up to her mouth. Carol turned and walked over to the phone they kept on the wall in the nursery. She dialed down to the ER and waited until Randi picked up the phone. 

"Randi, I need to speak to Dr. Ross." Carol said, sounding calmer than she was. 

"Sure thing, Carol. He's in the lounge, I'll get him." She said. Within moments Doug was on the phone. 

"Miss me already?" He joked as he picked up the phone. 

"Doug, I'm upstairs. You need to get up here now." Carol said. Doug froze. 

"Oh shit, Carol. What's wrong? Wait, no. I'll be right up. Don't move." He said. Carol hung up the phone and looked around the nursery, studying all the young children, praying against some unseen force that her daughter was among them. The doors to the nursery burst open and Doug bounded in. 

"What's wrong?" He asked, taking Carol by the shoulders. She gripped the side of his shirt. 

"Sarah's gone. Shep took her." Carol said. 

"He what? When? Oh God." Doug said and pulled Carol into his arms. She buried her face into his neck and held on as Mary looked at them, panicking. Carol could feel Doug's heart race under her chest. 

"My baby." She moaned and began to shake. 

"Shh..Okay, Carol. It's okay. We'll get her back. I need to call the police." He said. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

"Nurse Hathaway?" The policeman walked up to her and Doug. 

"Yes?" She murmured. 

"We've done all we can do here, for the night. We'll be on the look out for your daughter. There's nothing left that you can do here." He said. Carol hung her head, not even bothering to wipe her tears away. 

"C'mon Carol, let's go home." Doug said, wrapping his arm around her waist. She nodded and turned her head into his shoulder. "Thank you." Doug said to the policeman. He nodded and let them go. "Carol?" 

"Yeah?" Her voice trembled. 

"I need to stop in the ER. Do you want to come with me?" Doug asked. She hesitated before nodding. "Alright." He said and kissed her forehead. 

When they arrived in the ER, Doug walked to the desk, his arm still around Carol as she leaned against him. Her eyes were dry but she had a dull ache in her stomach and a bad taste in her mouth. 

"Where the hell have you been?" Kerry asked from the other side of the admit desk. Carol didn't even look up. Doug sent Kerry a menacing look. 

"Carol and I need to go home." Doug said. 

"Why?" Kerry asked, some of the snap out of her voice now that she saw Carol's trance-like state. Doug lowered his voice. 

"Shep kidnapped Sarah from the nursery." Doug felt Carol's slight tremble under his arm and he squeezed her closer. Kerry's mouth dropped open and she stared for a few moments before she got her thoughts back together. 

"Take as many days as you need." Kerry said. 

"Thank you, Kerry. You can tell Mark what happened. Tell him I'll call him later." Doug said. She nodded and watched as Doug led Carol out of the ER. Kerry looked around and saw with some relief that no one was around to have heard their conversation. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

"C'mon baby, here you go." Doug said, sliding Carol into the bed and under the covers. She gripped on to him. 

"Don't go." She said. 

"I'm not going anywhere." Doug said. He had already helped Carol into her pajamas and he was in his boxers. He slid in bed beside her and took her into his arms. The whole way from the hospital Carol had not cried. But now as she burrowed into Doug's chest the sobs began. 

Doug cradled her and listened to her heart wrenching sobs. His own heart was breaking in his chest. He buried his nose in her hair and squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to block out the pain. 

He held her for the rest of the night as she cried and dozed. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

It was such a horrible thing, Mark thought on the airplane on his way to Milwaukee. He was going to visit Rachel because she couldn't make it out to see him that weekend and he needed to see her, to reassure himself that she was okay. He couldn't even begin to wonder what Doug and Carol had gone through since Sarah was kidnapped two weeks ago. Even though Mark couldn't be with Rachel all the time, he knew she was safe in Milwaukee. 

He sighed and reclined his seat a bit, gazing out the window at the clouds. He hoped to God that Sarah would be found soon. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol walked into the house. She had been visiting Helen and had told Doug that he didn't have to come with her. Things between Helen and Doug still were not good, even though Helen knew that Doug was living with them and Carol considered him Sarah's father although he was not. 

She saw Doug sitting on the couch and when he heard her come in she saw him scrambling to wipe his eyes. She froze and stared at him. Had he been crying? She had never in her entire life with Doug ever seen him cry. 

"Doug?" She murmured, finally coming to her senses. 

"Hey Carol." He said, looking down at the floor. She sat beside him on the couch, but he would not meet her eye. She reached over and tilted his head towards her. She saw the slight redness of his eyes and the moisture. 

"Oh Doug.." She wrapped her arms tightly around him and held on as she began to cry quietly on his shoulder. He held her with equal fierceness, burying his face in her hair and trying his best not to cry. She felt his chest tremble and she buried her face into his neck. "I want our baby back, Doug." Carol said. 

"I know." His voice shook. "Me too." 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Mark had his arm around Rachel's neck as he walked into a small restaurant. 

"Where do you want to sit?" He asked her. She looked around and saw a small booth. 

"Over there." She said. 

"Alright. Looks good." He said and led her to the booth. He sat down across from her and smiled as a waitress came up to their table and took their drink orders. Mark kept his eyes on her as she made her way to another booth in the front of the restaurant. Mark froze suddenly. That man looked exactly like.....Oh God, it was. It was Shep. Mark could see the back of a baby's head, where little Sarah was sitting in a highchair. 

"Rach?" He asked. 

"Yeah?" She asked, looking up from the menu. 

"I need to make a phone call. Can you stay right there?" He asked. She nodded. 

"Sure." Mark pulled his baseball cap farther down over his eyes and hoped Shep wouldn't recognize him, even out of his scrubs and with a baseball hat on. He was just glad that Rachel was out of sight, because he knew that Shep had met Rachel once at a Christmas party of Carol's and might recognize Rachel. Mark made his way up to the counter. 

"Can I help you?" One of the women behind the counter asked. 

"Yes. I need to make an emergency phone call. Do you have a phone book?" Mark asked. 

"Sure. Is there anything I can do?" She asked, reaching beneath the counter. She brought out a phone book and handed it to him. 

"Thanks. And no, it's nothing serious." He said with a smile that he hoped was charming. 

"Do you need a phone?" She asked. 

"Nope, I've got my cell." He said. He moved a bit further down the counter, hoping that he was further out of the way of Shep's sight. He flipped quickly through the phone book until he came across the local police in the yellow pages. He dialed the number and brought the phone to his ear. 

"Milwaukee Police Station." A man's voice said. 

"Yes, I'd like to report a possible kidnapper sighting." 

"Okay, sir. May I have all the details you can give me?" 

"The kidnapper is Ray Shepard. He kidnapped my friend's five-month-old daughter two weeks ago from a nursery in Cook County General Hospital in Chicago, Illinois. The baby's name is Sarah Hathaway. Her mother's name is Carol Hathaway, she's a nurse at County." Mark could hear the tap of a keyboard. 

"Alright. I found the exact case. May I ask where you spotted the kidnapper?" 

"Betty's Diner and Bar in Milwaukee. He's sitting there in broad daylight with the baby in a highchair." 

"Alright, sir. Please stay where you are. I'll send a cop right over. Undercover so he won't get suspicious." 

"Thank you." Mark said. 

"Sir, I need to know your name and a short description of you." 

"Dr. Mark Greene. I'm 6'2", 180 lbs. I'm wearing a baseball cap and jeans. I'll be sitting with my daughter." 

"Thank you, Dr. Greene. There's a cop on the way." They hung up and Mark headed back to his seat after giving the woman the phone book, keeping a careful eye on Shep. He watched as a waitress delivered the food to Shep. Good, Mark thought, he would take awhile to eat. 

"Dad?" Rachel asked. Mark turned his attention to her. 

"Yes?" 

"Who did you call?" She asked. 

"The police." 

"Why?" Rachel asked, her eyes widening. 

"Do you remember Doug and Carol in Chicago?" 

"Yeah." Rachel said, staring at him. 

"Their baby girl, Sarah, was kidnapped two weeks ago." Rachel gasped. "The man who kidnapped her is sitting with Sarah back there. Don't look, he might recognize us. A cop is on the way. I need for you to stay absolutely calm, Rachel." 

"Yes, Daddy." She said, staring wide-eyed at him. He smiled. 

"Let's order to make everything appear normal." Mark said. 

"Okay." 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Minutes later Mark watched as a man with a dark head of hair walked into the diner in jeans and a t-shirt. He looked around the room, spotting the kidnapper and the child and then spotting the man fitting Mark's description. He made his way to Mark's table. 

"Are you Mark Greene?" He asked. 

"Yes, I am." Mark replied and scooted over as the cop took a sit beside him. 

"I'm Agent Murphy. Is that the man in question?" The cop asked, looking over towards Shep briefly. 

"Yes sir. That's Raymond Shepard and Sarah Hathaway." 

"That is confirmed. I have a picture of both child and him." The cop smiled friendly. "Wait right here, would you? The plan is I go and arrest Mr. Shepard. Then you come up behind me when I get him out of the booth and take the child. Understand?" Rachel stared wide-eyed at the cop, with much the same expression that she had given her father earlier. 

"Understood." Mark said. The cop smiled easily and stood up, making his way comfortably to Shep's side. Mark watched as Shep tried to argue with the cop and grab Sarah, but the cop maneuvered that easily and hauled Shep to his feet. Shep fought him but went still when he saw Mark coming up behind the baby. 

"You bastard." He said as Mark picked Sarah up and cradled her to his chest. She looked at him warily. Mark stayed absolutely silent as he watched the cop haul Mark out. The waitress and the woman from the counter stared at them in shock. Rachel came up behind her father as another man entered the shop, this time in a cop's uniform. 

"Are you Dr. Greene?" The officer asked. 

"Yes." Mark replied with a grim smile. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol and Doug were sitting at home when the doorbell rang. Carol got up from the couch and headed to the door. She opened it and saw a strange man standing on the porch. 

"Hello." The man said easily. 

"Hi." Carol replied. Doug stepped up behind her, laying a hand on her shoulder. 

"Are you Nurse Carol Hathaway?" The man asked. 

"Yes." Carol said, opening the door a bit wider. He flipped open a badge, revealing he was a cop. 

"I'm Agent Murphy. Your daughter Sarah went missing two weeks ago, is that correct?" The man asked. Carol's eyes widened slightly and she swallowed. Doug felt her tremble under his hand. 

"Yes." She said. The cop motioned slightly with his hand and stepped to the side. Carol and Doug watched as Mark stood up from a old brown car that was sitting on the curb. They didn't recognize the car but watched Mark still. He bent back into the car and messed around slightly until he re-emerged holding Sarah in his arms. Carol gasped and she and Doug flew off the porch and to Mark's side. Carol grabbed the baby from him and buried her face against Sarah. Doug enveloped them both in his arms and crushed them to him. 

"Oh God." Carol began to sob. "Sarah." She pulled away and looked over her daughter. She began to kiss her everywhere. Sarah smiled at Carol and then Doug in pure delight. Doug looked at Mark. 

"Where?" He asked. 

"Later." Mark murmured and watched the small reunion pleasantly. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

"Mark! Tell us everything." Doug said as he and Carol sat on the couch. Mark sat across from them. The undercover cop had taken his car and left. 

"I was in Milwaukee with Rachel. I took her to this restaurant and I saw Shep and Sarah there. I called the police, they arrested Shep and I got Sarah. I convinced them to let me take her home to you instead of calling, so Agent Murphy and I took the train home. We rented a car and brought Sarah back." Mark said, smiling at himself. 

"Mark, I'll never be able to repay you." Carol said, cradling Sarah to her chest. Mark smiled. 

"You already have." Mark said. 

"We owe you." Doug said. Mark chuckled. 

"No, you don't. What else would I have done? Sat there and let them leave?" He chuckled. 

"Thank you." Carol said, tears coming to her eyes. She knew she would forever be in debt to Mark Greene. 

"You're welcome." He replied and watched as Carol and Doug cuddled together with their child. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 


	3. A Secret

Please title this page. (Page 1)

Disclaimer: None of the ER characters belong to me. 

Summary: Carol has a secret that she must tell Doug. 

Rating: PG-13, I guess. There's a small sexual scene. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

June 25 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Carol sat in the nursery, rocking a sleepy Sarah against her chest. Sarah was suckling lazily at Carol's breast, her little hand fisted on Carol's chest. Carol watched as Sarah's eyes fluttered closed and fought their way back open. Looking into her daughter's eyes had Carol remembering things from her past that she didn't want to remember. But lately the memories kept creeping up on her, slipping into her mind and making her think about the painful time in her life. Even in her sleep Carol couldn't escape. She sighed and ran her index finger over her daughter's cheek. 

******Flashback****** 

Carol stood at the admit desk at work, writing sporadically on a chart. She was looking up at Doug and a woman who were flirting in the front of the ER. She watched the woman lay a hand on Doug's chest and lean forward, her lips inches from his as she said something to him and then laughed. Carol looked back down at the chart, writing something that she hoped was correct. She had no clue what she was writing. When she looked up again Tag was standing in her view of Doug and the woman. 

She managed a smile but her heart wasn't into it. 

"Hey Carol." He said, smiling. 

"Tag." She said, looking back down at the chart briefly. 

"I was wondering..." Tag said. Carol sighed inwardly but she looked up, a smile on her face. 

"Yes?" 

"Are you doing anything tonight?" Tag asked. Carol sighed. 

"Not that I can think of." She said. 

"Would you like to go to dinner?" He asked. Carol shrugged. 

"Tag, I'm really tired tonight. I just want to go home and sleep. How about tomorrow night? I don't have to work tomorrow, so I can rest all day." She said. He smiled and reached out, brushing a hand over one of her curls. 

"Okay. Tomorrow night then. I get off at six. How about I pick you up at seven?" He suggested. She nodded and forced a smile. 

"Sounds great. Seven tomorrow." She said. He nodded and tugged her curl playfully before he turned and walked away. Carol shook her head and looked down at the chart. Seconds later she felt someone's eyes on her, so she looked up and directly into Doug's eyes. They stared at each other briefly before he walked away. Carol sighed and ran a hand through her hair self-consciously. 

ooooo 

Later that night, Carol sat in her bathroom on the floor, rocking herself. She looked on the floor at the discarded pregnancy test before she squeezed her eyes shut. That didn't stop the tears from sliding from her eyes and down her cheeks. She leaned forward and buried her face in her arms and let the sobs rip through her. 

She knew what she had to do. Doug had moved on. She was dating Tag. She could not keep this baby because Doug would not want it. He had a son that he didn't know and Carol wasn't willing to do that to her child. She would get an abortion whether it killed her or not. 

******END FLASHBACK****** 

Carol looked down at Sarah who was now asleep against her chest, her tiny mouth still moving although she was no longer attached to Carol's breast. Carol sighed and stood up and stared down at her daughter before she laid her gently in her crib. The six-month-old baby sighed as Carol covered her with a blanket. Carol drew her shirt together, buttoning it up before she headed out of the room. 

Carol headed downstairs to her bedroom and slid under the covers of her bed. 

"She asleep?" Doug murmured. Carol nodded. 

"Yeah." She whispered. Doug nodded and pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arm around her waist, her back against his chest. He kissed her shoulder gently before drifting off to sleep. Carol just lay there, watching the time tick away on her clock, thinking that she didn't deserve Doug's love and trust. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

Doug ran his hand through his hair as he sat on the couch in the lounge. 

"I don't know what's wrong with her, Mark. Ever since we got Sarah back two weeks ago, Carol's been distant from me. She talks to me, but only when I talk to her. Something's not right with her. She won't even make love to me. She hasn't since before Sarah disappeared. Which at the time was understandable. Now, I'm just confused." 

"Have you tried talking to her?" Mark asked. Doug looked so forlorn that Mark wished he could do something to help. 

"No. I'm afraid she'll brush me off or just push me further away." Doug said. 

"If you don't talk to her, you'll never find out what's wrong with her. You could either wait this out and see what happens, but if you do that she might just draw farther away. Doug, you need to get to the bottom of this. Help her." Mark said. Doug sighed and leaned forward. 

"I know, Mark." 

-ooooo-ooooo- 

"Is she sleeping?" Doug asked as Carol came down the stairs. Carol nodded. 

"She fought it but she nodded off." Carol said and headed to the kitchen. Doug intercepted her with an arm around her waist. 

"Carol, we need to talk." Doug said. 

"Okay." She said softly, almost knowing what this was going to be about. He led her to the couch and sat down with her. He reached over and brushed his hand over her cheek and turned her head towards him. 

"I love you." Doug said. Carol smiled a little. 

"I love you, too." She murmured. He smiled and kissed her forehead. 

"You can talk to me. I want to know what's going on with you." He said. Her gaze dropped from his. 

"You'll hate me." She murmured. He was shocked because he didn't think she would talk about what was bothering her, let alone this easily. 

"I could never hate you, darling." Doug said. She looked up at him, her eyes now wet with tears. 

"Yes, you could." She said. He took her hand in his and stared at her. 

"No, I couldn't. But tell me." She looked away again and her fingers tightened against his, as if she was holding onto him, scared he would let go. His stomach rolled. 

"I've been pregnant another time. Besides Sarah." Carol murmured. Doug's jaw dropped. 

"You have?" He asked slowly, cautiously. She nodded and the tears slid down her cheeks. 

"It was right at the beginning of Tag and I dating. Do you remember that day in the ER when you were standing at the door with some woman and you were flirting with her and I was at the admit desk? Tag came up and talked to me and then he left and you were standing in front of me and we looked at each other, no stared, for awhile before you left?" 

"Yes, actually, I do remember that day." He said, remembering the ache that had cursed through him when he saw Tag and Carol talking quietly. Carol nodded slightly. 

"Tag asked me out on a date that night but I turned him down because I just wanted to be alone that night. I wanted to be alone because I suspected something was up. So I bought a pregnancy test and took it that night in the bathroom. It was positive." She trembled and held tighter to Doug's hand. The tears were simply rolling down her cheeks now, she had no shame about them. "Tag and I had not been intimate." Carol said and looked at Doug. "I was pregnant with your baby, Doug. There had been no one else." She sobbed then and buried her face in her free hand as he stared at her in disbelief. Doug let it all sink in and waited until Carol had calmed down a bit. 

"What happened to it?" He asked softly, already knowing the answer. 

"The next day....I got an abortion." Carol said and a sob ripped out along with her words. "I'm so sorry, Doug. I understand if you want to leave me now." She couldn't look at him. Doug gathered her into his arms and held her tightly to him. She sobbed with relief into his shoulder, thanking God that he wasn't walking away or leaving her. That he didn't hate her. She clutched him to her and held on tightly. Doug couldn't have let go of her if he wanted to. He buried his face in her hair for a brief moment before he whispered. 

"It's not your fault, Carol. You were dating someone else. I wasn't responsible. It's okay." He rubbed her back, shushing her. "Shh, it's okay, darling." 

"Oh, Doug. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I was scared." 

"I know, I know. Shh.." He ran his hand over her hair and rocked her gently. "I love you." He murmured and pressed his lips to her forehead. 

ooooo 

Carol woke the next morning, her arms wrapped around Doug and his around her. She didn't remember coming up here, Doug must have carried her up from the couch. She wanted to weep in relief because he was still here with her but instead she looked at the clock over Doug's shoulder. 

It was six in the morning. Doug must have been up with Sarah through the night, she thought and smiled. She looked up at him as he slept peacefully. He would never be able to know just how much she loved him. There was no way to show for her to show it. 

She slid out from his embrace, hoping he wouldn't awake just yet. He didn't, so she stood up and undressed quickly. She slid back under the covers, naked, and cuddled up to his bare chest. She reached a hand into his boxers and took him in her fingers. She began trailing kisses up his chest as she fondled him gently. When she made her way to his mouth, she knew he was awake because he was kissing her in return and his hand had crept to her waist. She pulled his boxers down and threw them off to the side. She giggled when he slid over her and finally opened his eyes. 

"I love you, Carol." He said and slipped into her. She sighed in surprise and gazed up at him. 

"I love you, too, Doug." She murmured and wrapped her arms and legs around him and fused her mouth to his. 

-ooooo-ooooo- 


	4. Worries

Please title this page. (Page 1)

+++++ 

July 3rd 

+++++ 

"Mama!" Carol smiled at the toddler standing up in her crib, her arms outstretched to Carol. 

"Sarah!" Carol exclaimed and swung her up out of the crib. Sarah fisted a hand in Carol's hair and gave her mother a sloppy kiss. Carol laughed and opened up a drawer, getting out a t-shirt to change Sarah into. 

"No!" The eighteen-month-old exclaimed, shaking her head at the shirt. Carol smiled. 

"What shirt do you want?" Carol asked. Sarah pointed at a lime green shirt with a picture of a purple puppy on the front of it. Carol smiled and reached in, pulling it out of the drawer instead. Sarah nodded with satisfaction. "And your purple shorts?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and stuck a finger into her mouth. Carol chuckled and bent down, placing Sarah on the ground. She stood, a bit wobbly, as she waited for Carol to change her. 

After she was changed, Carol carried her downstairs and into the kitchen. Doug was standing at the sink, finishing up a cup of coffee. 

"Dada!" Sarah exclaimed. Doug turned and smiled before pulling Sarah from Carol's arms and twirling her around. 

"How's my Sarah?" Doug asked. She grinned and patted his face. 

"Hungy." She exclaimed. He chuckled. 

"You're hungry? Well, I think Mama'll take care of that. I have to go to work now." Doug said. Sarah's lower lip poked out. 

"Now?" She asked. Doug chuckled and snuggled her close. 

"Yeah. I'll be home soon. How about we go to the park later?" Doug asked and looked at Carol. She nodded as Sarah squealed and clapped her hands together. 

"Ark, ark, ark!" She exclaimed. Doug laughed and kissed her on the cheek before handing her back to Carol. Then he kissed Carol and patted her butt playfully. 

"I'll see you later girls." He said and grinned at them before heading to the living room to get his jacket and shoes. Sarah turned and leaned her head against Carol's shoulder. Carol patted her back gently. 

"What's for breakfast?" Carol asked. 

"Toas." Sarah said. Carol smiled. 

"Toast it is." 

+ 

Carol had finished putting Sarah down for her nap before she headed into the bathroom. As she sat on the toilet, she muttered a curse and reached under the cabinet for a tampon. After washing her hands, Carol went into her bedroom and sat on the bed. She buried her face into her hands and sighed deeply. 

It was never going to happen. She was never going to get pregnant again. She had ruined it those couple years ago. Ruined her chance to have a child with Doug. She knew she couldn't love Sarah more than she did. She wouldn't love another child more than she loved Sarah. But Doug was not Sarah's real father. And that sliced at Carol's heart. She wanted Doug's baby more than anything she had ever wanted in her entire life. 

Tears burned at the back of her throat, before they slid, fat and hot down her cheeks. We've only been trying for four months, she thought. Doug's right. It'll happen soon. There's no need to worry. So why did she? She knew that if Sarah would end up being her only child, that would be okay. She'd go on. But she would always yearn. Why am I giving up so easily? So early? It'll happen. It'll happen. She repeated over and over in her mind as the tears continuously fell. 

Carol lay back on the bed and eventually fell into an exhausted sleep. 

+ 

Carol woke with a jolt. Something had woken her up. What was it? Then she heard a faint yell coming from upstairs. 

"Mama! Where you, Mama?" Carol smiled slightly and walked out of the bedroom. 

"I'm coming baby." She yelled. She went up the stairs and into Sarah's room. She glanced at the small Winnie-the-Pooh clock on the wall and saw that she'd only put Sarah down for a nap two hours ago. The baby couldn't have been awake too long. 

"Mama." 

"Sorry Sarah. Mama took a nap, too." 

"Mama nap?" Sarah said. Carol nodded. 

"Yup, Mama took a nap." Carol lifted her up. "Are you wet?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and touched Carol's ear with her fingers. Carol smiled. Her daughter had suddenly become fascinated with Carol and Doug's ears lately. Carol laid Sarah down on the changing table and changed her diaper quickly. 

"Where Dada?" Sarah asked. 

"He's at work. He'll be home soon." Carol said. Sarah nodded, seeming to be content with that answer. 

+ 

The entire time they were at the park that night, Doug had sensed something was bothering Carol. She hadn't talked much and acted like she wasn't there. Like she was lost in her thoughts somewhere else. Doug let her think and he played with Sarah, planning to ask Carol what was on her mind later that night. 

+ 

As they got ready for bed, Doug wrapped his arms around Carol as she brushed her hair. 

"Doug." She murmured as he assaulted her neck with his lips. 

"Hmm?" He murmured in return as she set the brush down on the counter. 

"We can't. I started." She said. His eyes met with hers briefly in the mirror before she pulled out of his arms and headed into the bedroom. 

"I was just trying to suck up to you, so you'd talk to me." 

"About what?" Carol asked, pulling down the sheets on the bed. 

"What's bothering you." He said. She sighed. 

"Nothing's bothering me." She slid her legs under the covers and looked at him. He sat beside her on the bed and cupped her cheek in his hand. 

"What is it?" He murmured. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and looking into his eyes. 

"Everything." She said softly. 

"Elaborate. Specify everything." She sighed. 

"I can't get pregnant." She said. 

"Oh baby, I know you're worried about it. It's only been four months." Carol sighed. 

"I know. But it'll soon be five months, then six, then seven." 

"We'll go see a doctor if it doesn't happen by the six month." Doug murmured. 

"Doug, what if something's wrong with me and that's why it's not happening? Maybe...Somebody's punishing me and not letting me have your child because I killed the first." 

"You didn't kill it." 

"Yes, I did." She sighed. "I let them kill it." 

"That's partly my fault, Carol. I don't blame you." 

"I know you don't." She sighed and bent her head. "Why is it that both times it was an accident but now that I'm trying, it's not happening?" 

"It will happen, Carol." Doug said firmly. She nodded. 

"You're right. I just worry." She said. He nodded. 

"I know you do. You shouldn't, but you will. We'll just keep trying." Carol nodded. 

"I love you." She murmured. He smiled and kissed her gently. 

"And I love you." He slid under the covers beside her and waited until she turned out the light. Then he gathered her close to his chest and cuddled with her in the darkness. 

+++++ 

Three weeks later, Carol sat on the couch, watching Sarah play on the floor. Her mind was focused partly on Sarah, partly on Doug, and partly on the child she didn't seem to be conceiving. She knew Doug would tell her to stop worrying if she told him she still was, but more things just kept creeping into her mind and bothering her. 

She had somehow gotten the thought into her mind a few days ago, that if she couldn't conceive Doug's baby, he would leave her. She knew he loved Sarah, but did he love her enough to stay? Was he jealous or angry because Sarah wasn't his? Would he leave her if she couldn't have his baby? 

"Sarah?" Carol murmured. Sarah looked up from her doll, her eyes questioning. "C'mere. Mama wants a hug." Sarah jumped up on her chubby legs and toddled over to Carol. Carol drew Sarah up onto the couch and into her arms. Sarah wrapped her arms around Carol's neck and dug her hands into Carol's hair. Carol buried her face in the chubby neck of her daughter and breathed deep. Sarah's tiny curls tickled Carol's brow. 

"I love you." Carol murmured. 

"Sarah love Mama." Sarah said and pulled her head away. She puckered her lips and Carol smacked them with her own and smiled. Sarah could always make her feel better. 

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded and smiled happily. "Pee Pan." 

"Peter Pan?" Carol asked, smothering her laughter. Sarah nodded eagerly. 

"Okay. Let's put it in." Carol let Sarah help her because lately Sarah had wanted to help a lot. Carol supervised Sarah as she pushed the tape into the VCR. 

+ 

When Doug came home, he found them cuddled on the couch, watching the movie. Sarah was sitting in Carol's lap, wide awake and watching Tinkerbell with fascination. Carol's head was resting against the back of the couch and she was asleep. Doug chuckled softly and walked to the couch. Sarah smiled at him and he put a finger to his lips, indicating quiet. Sarah giggled and pushed her finger to her lip. 

"Shh." She whispered. Doug nodded and held out his arms. Sarah scooted onto his lap and Doug stood up, placing Sarah down onto the ground. He crouched beside her. 

"Stay right here. I'll put Mama in bed." 

"Mama nap?" 

"Yeah, Mama's napping." Doug kissed Sarah's head before he stood and scooped Carol up into his arms. Her head rested against his shoulder as he carried her down the hall and into the bedroom. He pulled the covers down, somehow managing to hold her and get them down. Then he laid her down, pressed a kiss to her brow, covered her, and went back to the living room with Sarah. 

+ 

Carol woke, a bit disoriented. What was she doing in bed? The last thing she remembered was sitting on the couch, watching Peter Pan with Sarah. Carol rolled onto her side and looked at the door of her bedroom. She could see the soft glow of the lamplight coming from the living room and she could hear the quiet murmur of the TV. She shifted and slipped out of bed, standing up. She shivered and pulled her dark green robe over her clothes before heading out of the room. 

Carol found Doug and Sarah in the kitchen, quietly coloring at the table. She smiled and stood in the doorway, watching Sarah as she sat on Doug's lap and tried to color. Her tongue was sticking out the side of her mouth as she concentrated, Doug's hand over hers in a gentle hold. 

"There you go." Doug murmured. Sarah smiled and sat back, looking at her picture with satisfaction. Doug glanced up and saw Carol. He smiled. "Hey sleepyhead." Sarah looked up. 

"Mama! I color." She said and held up the picture from the coloring book. Carol moved into the kitchen and smiled, taking the picture. 

"It's beautiful!" Carol exclaimed as she looked at the picture of a green elephant with purple eyes, Sarah's two favorite colors. 

"I told her we could hang it on the fridge." Doug said. Carol nodded and smiled at her daughter. 

"I'll put it there right now. Is that okay?" Carol asked. Sarah nodded, proud of herself. Carol smiled and walked to the refrigerator, where she hung the picture with a magnet. 

"It's lovely." 

"I fed her macaroni and hotdogs for dinner." Doug said. Carol grinned slightly and he chuckled. "As you know, I'm not a chef. Anyways, there's some leftover mac and cheese in the fridge if you want some." Doug said. Carol smiled. 

"I'm not hungry right now, but I'll eat it when I am." She reached down and picked Sarah up. "Does Dada fix good macaroni?" Carol whispered in her daughter's ear. Sarah's eyes widened and she nodded. 

"Duh best." She whispered. Carol laughed and snuggled her closer. 

"What did you say?" Doug asked, standing up. Sarah smiled and wrapped her arms around Carol's neck. 

"Secret." Sarah said. Carol laughed. 

"Yeah, Dada, it's a secret." 

"Am I going to have to tickle it out of you?" Doug asked, reaching his hands up. Sarah squealed and laughed as Carol ran out into the living room. 

"No Dada! No tick!" Sarah exclaimed. 

"We have to run!" Carol said and bolted up the stairs as Sarah held on tight and looked over her shoulder as Doug stalked up the stairs behind them. 

"Run, Mama!" Carol laughed and dashed into Sarah's room. She threw open the closet and got in, shutting the door. Sarah giggled. 

"Shh." Carol whispered and held her close. "Uh-oh, I hear Dada." She said and felt Sarah's grip tighten. Then Sarah screamed as the closet door flung open and Doug started tickling her. Carol laughed and pretended to fall down as she got on her knees. Sarah squealed as she felt Doug's hands close around her and she buried her face in Carol's hair. 

"Mama, hep!" 

"Help me, Sarah!" Carol exclaimed as they rolled onto the floor with Doug, laughing and tickling. Carol reversed the game and began tickling Doug. 

"Oh no!" He said and began laughing as Sarah joined Carol as they tried to tickle him. Doug locked his arms around them, Sarah sandwiched between Carol and himself and he rolled to the side. 

"Dada!" 

"Sarah!" He chuckled softly and looked at Carol. Her face was flushed and she was breathing a bit heavy. He laughed and stroked a finger over her cheek. 

"We're a sandwich." Carol said to Sarah. Sarah smiled. 

"Pee butter." She said. 

"Peanut butter and two pieces of bread." Doug said. Sarah giggled at the thought and her chubby legs hooked to Doug's waist, one of her hands bent behind her and locked in Carol's hair still. 

"Bedtime." Carol mouthed silently to Doug, over Sarah's shoulder. He nodded. 

"How about I tell you a story?" Doug asked Sarah. Sarah nodded and shifted closer to Doug, finally releasing Carol's hair. 

"Up." Sarah said. 

"A made-up story. Hmm.." Doug formulated a story in his mind, his arms still locked around Carol and Sarah. Carol smiled and wrapped her arm around Doug's waist, keeping Sarah warm and huddled in between the two of them. 

Doug began his new story and he and Carol watched Sarah slowly fall asleep as Doug's warm voice drifted over her. Doug lifted his head a bit and smiled at Carol. She smiled back and stroked a hand over Sarah's soft little curls. 

"Is she asleep?" Doug whispered. Carol nodded. 

"I think so." Doug nodded as Carol rolled away a bit and got onto her feet. Doug cradled Sarah to his chest and stood carefully. "Hold onto her. I'll take her shorts off. She can sleep in that." Carol said, motioning to the t-shirt Sarah wore. Doug nodded as Carol eased Sarah's shorts off. He walked to the crib and laid her down carefully before he covered her up, tucking her gently in. Carol smiled and Doug slid his hand down, taking Carol's into his own. "She's amazing." Doug said. Carol nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder. 

"Yeah, she is." Carol murmured. Doug turned to her. 

"Carol?" 

"Hm?" 

"Make love to me." Doug murmured, drawing her close. She smiled and nuzzled his cheek. 

"Gladly." He led her from the room. 

+ 

After they had made love, Doug and Carol lay in bed, cuddled together. 

"Do you think we made a baby that time?" Carol asked, as she did every time. Doug smiled and gave the same answer. 

"Could be. Hope so." Carol grinned slightly and looked up at the ceiling. 

"What is it?" Doug asked. Carol sighed. 

"How is it that you know me so well?" 

"I just do. What's bothering you?" He asked. 

"I'm scared." Carol murmured, her hand gripping the sheets on the bed. 

"Why?" Doug asked, rolling onto his side and propping his head on his hand as he looked down at her. She looked up at him. 

"I'm afraid of what will happen if I can't get pregnant." Carol murmured. 

"What do you mean?" Doug asked, brushing a hand over her cheek. 

"If I can get pregnant, will you be mad?" Carol asked. He smiled softly. 

"No, I won't be mad. Maybe a bit disappointed, but not mad. Not at you." He said. She sighed and asked the question that had been burning in her for awhile now. 

"Will you leave?" She whispered. 

"Leave? Why would I leave?" Doug asked. Carol looked away from him and back to the ceiling. 

"Because I couldn't have your baby." Carol said. Doug gaped at her. 

"You think I'd leave because of that?" 

"Sarah's not yours, Doug." Doug winced, painfully aware of that. "And if I can't have a child from you, you'll leave." She said. 

"No, I won't, Carol. I'm not going to leave you, or Sarah." Doug paused and brushed his thumb over Carol's lip. "You know I love her just like she was mine. I couldn't love her more if she was." Doug said. Carol's lip trembled and tears filled her eyes. 

"I'm sorry about the other baby. I'll always be sorry." Carol said and a tear spilled over. Doug wiped it away, gently. 

"Oh, baby, I know that it's what you had to do. I've told you that I understand. The timing wasn't right. When it is, we'll have a baby. And it'll be better." Doug said. Carol turned her face into his shirt. He felt her tears through the thin cotton and he wrapped his arms tightly around her. 

"Promise me you'll never leave." Carol whispered. 

"I promise. I'll be with you forever. You and Sarah and any other children when have." Doug buried his face into Carol's thick mass of curls as she clung to him, relieved. 

+ 

The next morning Carol awoke, lying in Doug's arms. She smiled and let herself rest for a few minutes, breathing him in, but she knew she should get up, get Sarah. When she sat up, she had to grip the edge of the bed as a wave of dizziness rushed over her. Carol waited until it passed, shaking her head a bit in puzzlement before she stood, going to get her robe. Suddenly her stomach jolted and she felt like she was going to vomit. She rushed into the bathroom and bent over the toilet, quickly emptying her stomach. 

Doug woke suddenly to the sound of Carol retching in the bathroom. He rushed in and gathered her hair off her neck and bent over her. She gagged once more before she leaned back. When her eyes fluttered open and met Doug's her eyes were filled with hope. 

"Do you..." She trailed off. He paused. 

"Maybe. Don't get your hopes up..." Doug said. Carol nodded. 

"I know, but...I'm never sick." Carol said. "And it couldn't be something I ate. If you recall, I didn't eat dinner last night." Carol said. Doug nodded. "And I feel fine now." 

"I don't want you to be disappointed." Doug murmured. She nodded and stood up. 

"When I got out of bed, when I sat up I was really dizzy for a second. I had to let it pass. Then when I stood up this hit me." Carol said as Doug supported her with a strong hand. 

"Why don't you crawl back into bed." 

"Doug, I'm fi-" He cut her off. 

"I'll get Sarah and bring her down here to bed with us. We can spend our day off together with our daughter, in bed." Doug said. Carol grinned. 

"Okay, Dada." Doug pressed a kiss to her brow. 

"Later, we'll buy a pregnancy test." Doug murmured. Her brows shot up and a smile spread over her face. 

"Really?" She asked. 

"Yup. After lunch, okay?" Doug asked. She nodded. 

"After lunch." She watched as he walked out of the bathroom to go fetch their daughter. She couldn't help but let the hope flare inside of her. 

+ 

"Ready?" Doug asked. Carol nodded. 

"As I'll ever be." She said. 

"Alright. On the count of three, we'll go check it." Doug said. Carol nodded. 

"1..2..3." They walked into the bathroom, gripping each other's hands. They stood, staring down at the pregnancy test on the counter, for a few brief moments. Then Carol turned to Doug, her eyes filled with tears. 

"I'm pregnant." She murmured. He whooped out loud and scooped her into his arms. They twirled around in the bathroom, nearly falling into the bathtub. She laughed when her feet hit the ground and they pressed their lips together excitedly. Finally. 

+++++ 


	5. Where We Belong

Please title this page. (Page 1)

o-----o 

July 4th 

o-----o 

Thirteen-year-old Sarah lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. She could hear the sounds of her little brother and sister playing in the living room downstairs, but she had tuned them out. Her thoughts were focused on the conversation she and her parents had just had. 

Sarah knew Doug was not her real father. They had told her at the tender age of six, when she didn't really understand. But just weeks after her thirteenth birthday, they had decided she was old enough to know everything. 

*FLASHBACK* 

"You know Doug isn't your real father, like he is Max and Andie's. We told you that awhile ago. But we figured you were old enough to know the details now." Carol said. Doug was nervously holding her hand. 

*END FLASHBACK* 

They had told her all about Shep. How Raoul died and he became abusive. Then how he had left just weeks before she had been born. They told her how he came back when she was five-months-old and had kidnapped her. They told her how Uncle Mark had found her when he was visiting Rachel and had brought her home. 

Sarah couldn't help but hate Shep. He had beat her mother. He had left her mother. He had kidnapped her and taken her away from Carol and Doug when she was only an infant. Sarah could only hope she didn't turn out like him. 

She loved Doug. He was her Dad, no matter what anyone said. She may not be his blood, but she was his daughter. No one would ever change that, she thought fiercely. She turned her head and looked at a picture of her family that was framed and sitting atop her desk. Sarah rolled off the bed and sat in the desk chair. She picked up the picture and stared down at it, a smile on her face. 

She didn't care if Max and Andie didn't come from the same man as she. They were her brother and sister. No one would ever change that, either, she thought and smiled softly. 

Sarah stood from her seat on the desk and made her way downstairs. She turned the corner and walked into the living room where she saw Max playing nintendo and Andie playing with a Barbie. Doug was sitting on the couch beside Carol, talking quietly. The two of them looked up when they saw Sarah enter the room. She smiled and made her way to them. 

She curled up onto Doug's lap and leaned her head against his shoulder. She felt him sigh beneath her. 

"I love you, Daddy." Sarah said and wrapped her arms around his waist. She felt Doug's breath hitch under her and she turned her nose into his chest and took a deep breath, memorizing his scent. 

"I love you, too, Curly." Doug said, hugging her tightly. When Sarah looked at her mother, Carol was sitting, watching them with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. Sarah reached one hand to her and Carol smiled, taking Sarah's hand into her own and scooting closer. 

From the floor, Andie looked up. She was a spitting image of her mother and her sister at the age of seven. Andie smiled and clammered off the floor and onto the couch. She scooted into Carol's arms. 

"Hi Sissy." Andie said. Sarah smiled. 

"Hi baby." She said. Andie grinned. Sarah looked over and saw her brother who was just turning his head and looking at them. He paused his game and stood up, hands on his hips. 

"What about me?" The ten-year-old asked. 

"C'mere." Doug said. Max grinned and pushed his way through the mess of them and cuddled close. Doug and Carol looked at each other and smiled before linking hands gently. Sarah watched the look pass between them and she knew she was right where she wanted to be. With her family. 

o-----o 


End file.
